With the lark in the morning
And the dew upon the dawn
Well, a-home we came a crawling
With our sickness and our song
~"McCormack's Wall" :: Glen Hansard
Most mornings, I take a walk to my special places right outside my door. I walk through the wet grass to the fruit trees, remembering and dreaming. Music has been my nearly constant companion, and I do often carry my phone with Spotify playing (yes! I have a phone now!). If Glen Hansard has had anything to do with it, I've been listening to what he's had to sing. At least one of them even became prophetic for me. I first learned of him when NPR covered the excitement around Once back in 2007. The songs drifted in and out, but they were always there in the background. I guess songs that stare hard feelings in the eyes are the kind of soundtrack I need right now.
I don't know what I am trying to say here, what I am trying to filter out or include. There is no sadness in leaving an awful marriage. There is sadness in cleaning up what is left over, in starting again after such a long time. I get told how brave I am, and I think that I had no other choice. There was no one else to do it. I am weary. I have become more social, more pro-active, tougher. I have felt that I needed to be purposeful in my actions, since life felt more like things that happened to me, rather than I things I chose. That has had mixed results, of course, as putting ourselves out there opens us up to risks. All the same, it is good to take them. I'd hate for my life to pass and think that I had not tried.
I guess I am still waiting for the next step to find me, even though I have taken so many steps into the future. There's a song for that, of course.
When I stood where you stand now, my music was the heartbeat of my child... I wanted to keep him safe, keep him strong, and make him secure... Every ounce of energy went into making sure these things happened and that life felt normal. New things came along, such as going to the movies on holidays instead of cooking as so many of our past traditions were around the table and That Memory Hurt. You are finding your feet quicker than you realize. I hear it in your words; you are making your way and finding solid ground. Keep walking. You got this!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement. Yes, I do think the children feel safer and better already, even though so many things are different now. My little boy, especially, is coming out of his shell.
DeleteIt seems that most of our life is given to us, not chosen by us. And then there are the things that *happen* to us... One could muse forever on to which categories all the events belong! But sometimes things happen because we did choose to put ourselves in a certain place physically or mentally where they *could* happen -- or be given. Since the time that you wrote this I know this has been your experience. It's wonderful to read back here and see your thoughtful, tender heart learning to wait and to receive.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. <3
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