The weekend was so difficult for me, truly, that I hardly knew what to do. The unexpected grief that comes up at unpredictable times is baffling. I do not miss my old life, and I have all that I need here, but there are such feelings of despair that well up. I was just so sad, in the midst of what should have been joy. And then yesterday--yesterday it was mostly gone! I was productive and present and feeling much better. I guess that is the way it goes.
The children have been doing the same, I venture to guess. There are times of relief, of seeing that what is new is also good, and there are dark times where they are plumbing their own depths. And how funny (and appropriate!) it is that divorce is mentioned when you do a grammar check on that phrase! Equilibrium takes wider swings these days, but we are seeing it.
Self-directed play has improved, as you can see from the birthday party Laurel threw for Healing Mouse. The wee mouse is at the center on the swing. He lives in the doctor kit and Willow helped to make him. I got a book in the mail on the topic of this kind of play and the photos themselves are a wonderful inspiration. The children photographed have made wonderful creations--the best kind of "messes." They are masterpieces, really.
Play has been disjointed here for a couple years. I used to take such pride and wonder at how creative the children would be, but then it crumbled as various stresses reached boiling points. We had difficult neighbors, the traveling job saw more travel, we became last place. It feels so piercing to write that that last one, but it is true. This situation did not arise out of arguments, but out of a silent dysfunction of which we only knew the surface.
My hope is that things will only continue to improve, as they should. We have a few more humps to get over in the coming weeks, and then I dream of Summer. Imagine that! Dreaming of Summer! It will be hard-won, for sure, and I cannot help but feel or wish that something really good and boring is coming our way. May there be many more hours of self-directed play. That simple thing would bring such gladness!
I am sorry that Easter has been hard for you. It must be so tiring sometimes having to lead everything and be solely responsible for your little family and to know there is no end to this. And to manage all their emotions as well as your own. I really feel for you. But I do see such strength in you- your children are lucky to have you and you them. This is the gift from your marriage. Is your almost ex still going to be in their lives somehow or is he too far away to play any part? What a deep shame that he doesn't appreciate the treasures he is leaving behind. I have heard this often of men working away, enjoying their freedom away from family responsibilities and losing perspective ��It is totally natural to sink into despair only to gain strength afterwards. We need to feel and acknowledge our feelings to eventually move on. Go with it. Your children look like they are having a marvellous time. So glad they feel freer to play now. Unsettling times lead to disjointed play I have found too. And in t-shirts too!! Big hugs ��❤️
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I am glad to have so many good friends like you in this time. I used to think I was so alone! They are the gift, yes, my lifelong treasures. He is local and still traveling, but chooses to spend his free time on his new life with a new person.
Delete:-( He clearly doesn't realise what he is missing out on - too wrapped up in his new life or perhaps avoiding feeling guilty ... And how hurtful that can be for the children, to think their father isn't interested, especially your son perhaps, or maybe they are used to it already? Thank goodness for your strong rhythms and holding. I am so happy that you have friends who care about you, appreciate and value you. We are all out there, holding you in these difficult days :-)
ReplyDeleteThis kind of thing went on a long time. It has been hard for the children for years. Thank you for being there, across the sea. <3
DeleteHappy Easter, and many hugs to you! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you. <3
DeleteI'm so sorry, Brandy. Part of me still wants to choke him. Or kill him. Or both. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. But! You are strong, girl. You have always, always been. You will get through the dark days and soar through the sunny ones. Summer will be here and it'll bring hikes and rivers and wildflowers. Hang on, you are doing great!! Know that Larry and I love you from waaaaaay down here. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are such a sweet, fierce friend, Ginger. Thank you all for your love and prayers.
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