It felt like the fitting thing to completely drop the routine and the old familiars things and shift the whole house around. I've been doing that ever since Thursday. There were books to move and dust bunnies to clear out. There was fabric to sort and fold, and little bits of styrofoam to sweep up. The more I tried to make things better, the messier it became. And then it started to get better. I think I am in the inching-my-way-to-better phase now.
Environment (the space around me) is extremely important to my emotional health, I've learned over the years. Coming from a terribly messy childhood room to a tidier home has been a continuous task of both looking closely and standing back to see the bigger picture. There are times that I wish I had the same discipline over other areas. Having lived here eleven years now, the house has started to become full, lived in, too much. I have been brooding over these spaces for some time, even as I have continuously cleared things out.
Our position has been such that we've been given many, many wonderful things that were just what we needed or wanted. People wanted to clear out and we were open to helping in any way we could. In busier times, it's been a lot to sift through, but it had to be done. It gets dragged through the house or the yard, and then I must collect it all again for trash day or a trip to the thrift store. I think they are pleased to seem me coming with my bags.
I can feel myself on the edge of a time of just focusing here for a bit, of spending less time helping others. That sounds terribly selfish to say, but I don't mean it that way. The people who live here, who are not me, need me to focus here so that I don't feel overwhelmed all the time. We're coming up on garden season, after all, and that will be a big job at the scale we are aiming for this year. See? It doesn't sound so bad now. ;-)
Ah Brandy, as a fellow Cancerian (home lovers that we are) our homes are so important to us and our mental health so I totally understand where you are coming from and applaud you for making the time to sort your home out. Sometimes it takes until the youngest is at least five to find the energy to do that. And yes! It always feels a lot messier before it gets better. In the book the Life Changing Magic of Tidying, she says that we shouldn't take other peoples possessions just to help them, like clothes etc unless they give us good energy as filling your home with unwanted possessions that have no meaning or joy to you can zap your energy. Of course if you love them, that is different, but it's fine to say no thank you. I think we learn this with time and experience! I am often keeping things as they may come in handy, but my husband has been trying to curb this tendency in me :-) There are always trift shops etc and it sounds like you are doing some positive sorting out. Your family will survive of course and a calmer mama is a reward in itself! I can very much relate to what you write. If I feel our house is in disorder, it drives me a bit crazy. When you have finished, let lots of lovely air in and feel the space around you. Wishing you well dear Brandy. I smiled a lot when reading the "running for the hills" phrase = I often say that :-)
ReplyDeleteYes, you are so right! I do try to be choosy about what comes in (and plenty goes straight to the garbage), but there are always bits that sneak in, you know? We have such a small house that it really takes consideration to add much of anything. Helps the budget, too. Thank you for your kind encouragement. I *think* we've turned a corner. :-)
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